


Rain and Asphalt

by Haruka_1224



Category: BanG Dream! Girl's Band Party! (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Character Death, F/F, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-25
Updated: 2017-10-25
Packaged: 2019-01-22 23:54:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,918
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12493744
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Haruka_1224/pseuds/Haruka_1224
Summary: Once words have been said, they cannot be taken back. Once lies have been told, nothing can ever erase them. Even if you weep to the rain and the asphalt, all they can offer you is silent regret."I'm sorry."If only those words could reach you.





	Rain and Asphalt

**Author's Note:**

> I am feeling horribly depressed today, so I wrote this in an hour looping the song "Rain and Asphalt" by 40mP. Angst is my favorite thing to write, anyway, so I might as well do what I'm good at!

Ran had never really liked Autumn, the early sunsets, gray skies and cold rain, the wilting leaves and typhoons and see-sawing temperatures. Autumn felt like death itself had gained solid form and descended upon the world, sucking the life out of everything.

“Ra~n, let’s go back together!” Moca called out, fumbling with her umbrella as she struggled to untangle it from what looked like three different plastic bags filled with bread. “Hey, wait a second!”

Ran didn’t bother listening, opening her own umbrella and stepping out into the rain. While she normally appreciated her friends’ presence, for the past few days, she had preferred solitude.

“Ran…” Concerned, Tomoe tailed after her, not that she noticed. She hadn’t noticed many things in a while, as if the world were on the other side of a thick glass wall.

Nothing seemed real, flickering in the rain like a mirage ready to fade if Ran so much as reached out toward it. The school gates, the traffic lights, the cars that hissed by in the rain… even Ran herself was not spared. The world had faded away, slowly crumbling at the edges, until all that remained was a little patch of hard asphalt, darkened by the rain.

It was busy as always, Ran thought as she came to a stop, since it was in front of the mall and all. A little crossing between the station and the mall’s main entrance, an everyday road no one would normally think twice about, that was what her world had been reduced to.

“Why do you keep coming back here?” Tomoe asked softly.

Ran didn’t hear a single word of it, staring blankly at the unremarkable strip of asphalt as if it held all the answers she was desperately looking for. Someone had left a bouquet of chrysanthemums by the traffic light, the pale wax paper it had been wrapped in peeling away in the rain - Tomoe could not help but wonder who it was. One of the many people from the shopping street, maybe, or a random student?

Stiffly, Ran walked toward it, her umbrella falling from her cold fingers as she knelt, fingertips brushing over the icy petals.

Frowning, Tomoe walked up to the discarded umbrella, folding her arms as she scolded, “You’ll catch a cold, Ran.”

She didn’t seem to have heard, not that Tomoe was surprised. Ran’s eyes were glossed over, glassy like a doll’s, and her uniform was already starting to stick to her skin. Hopefully Moca, Saaya or Tsugumi would arrive soon to help, because everyone else that passed was just staring at her with that pitying look that Tomoe longed to smack off their faces.

“Help her,” she wanted to yell, to grab them by the collars of their coats, “It’s freezing out here, can’t you even just stand behind her and hold your umbrella over her head?!”

But she didn’t. She _couldn’t_.

The old Ran would probably be mortified if she realized how much of a scene she was causing, how many eyes were flitting her way as people walked by, but this new Ran hardly noticed a thing.

She was alone at the bottom of a deep ocean, unaware of anything but the hardness of the asphalt beneath her knees and the coldness of the flowers at her fingertips. Sadness had never felt so pointless - it flowed out of her like a river, like this endless rain, but it would never change a thing. Even if she screamed it out into the sky, all it would do was spiral away and disappear.

Cold, it was so cold. Pressing her palms into the asphalt, Ran lowered her head until it rested against the ground. Useless, it was useless, but it still tore away at her insides.

“Ran…”

Helpless, all Tomoe could do was watch as her friend crumbled, more and more each day. She had no idea how much more Ran could take, if there was anything she could do to relieve her pain.

“...ry…”

Tomoe blinked - Ran hadn’t said a word since it happened, and she had no idea if she was hearing things. Shifting closer, she stood over her, feeling like an intruder as she strained to hear.

“I’m sorry,” Ran whispered, raising her head and slamming it back against the asphalt with a sickening thud. “I’m sorry…”

“I’m sorry…” _Thud._ “I’m sorry…” _Thud._ “I’m sorry…” _Thud._

Each blow struck deep into Tomoe’s heart, but there was nothing she could do but wait. She had caused this, even if she hadn’t meant it to end this way, and she had never thought about the consequences of her choice until it had already been made.

Himari would probably be singing _I told you so_ , because she had from the very beginning, not that Tomoe had listened. And how desperately Tomoe wished that she did, knowing what she did now, because things were not as light as she had initially made them out to be.

She should have known her lie would destroy everything, she should have known she could not maintain it forever, but she had chosen to ignore it.

It had always been easier that way, pretending that Udagawa Tomoe was someone she was not, and she never really had a reason to stop. Everyone liked who she was supposed to be, Himari was the only one who knew the truth, and everything should have been fine.

But now, listening to the rain and the dull thud of flesh striking asphalt, Tomoe wished she could grab her old self by the collar and shake some sense into her.

“I’m sorry…” Ran’s voice was so small, so broken, that it physically pained her to hear it. She was the one who should be on her knees, begging for forgiveness, she was the one who told that long lie.

“Tomoe…” the sound of her name made her freeze, “Tomoe, please…”

“I’m right here,” she whispered, dropping to her knees beside Ran, “I’ve always been right here.”

“I wonder… if you could ever… forgive me…” Ran choked out between sobs, her words slowly growing in power and volume.

The smile that tugged at her lips was one of deep sorrow, “I never blamed you for anything.”

Ran’s voice was bitter, “But I… I said such hurtful things to you…”

“But I lied,” she protested, wishing she could grab her by the shoulders and force her bloodied forehead off the asphalt.

“There is no way you could forgive me, huh?” For the briefest moment, Ran smiled, a horrible, twisted smile that dripped self-hate and regret like poison.

Of course, Ran had not heard her, could not hear her. She was just talking to herself, to the rain and asphalt, unaware that the person she wished so desperately to speak to was standing right next to her.

Suddenly, she threw her head back and screamed, “I loved you, Tomoe!”

Shit, that hurt more than everything else combined. How could Ran love her, _truly_ love her, when she had been spending time with a fake Tomoe for so long? Sure, she had stayed mostly true to herself and her personality, but the most important part of her had been a lie.

Udagawa Tomoe had not been the boy she had pretended she was.

It was surprisingly easy for her to change her gender, ever since she was a child. With short hair, a tall, boyish frame and a sizable amount of strength and stamina gained from helping everyone she could, Tomoe was easily mistaken for a boy ever since she could walk. It was easier to be a boy, sometimes, there were less questions and far less judgmental looks, so by the time she was in the third year of elementary school, she had stopped correcting people.

Girls adored her, for some reason, and though Tomoe felt awfully guilty to be lying to them, she had secretly enjoyed the attention. She would never be able to love those she did as the true Udagawa Tomoe, but as the handsome drummer boy that seemed to be able to play any sport with ease, no one judged her for having girls knocking down her door. It was great, she could have all the eye candy she wanted, flirt with anyone she pleased, and everyone laughed it off as just something boys did.

She had never really liked one back, not until she met Mitake Ran in high school. A quiet, talented guitarist, vocalist and lyricist, Ran had stolen her attention right from the beginning, and some strange gravity seemed to pull them together. After school in the music room, in the morning on the school track, in the evening at the mall, it was as if someone had tied them together with an invisible string.

Himari had warned her against it, against getting too close to Ran as the male Tomoe, but she had ignored her. They were just friends, she had thought, drawn together by a mutual love of music, nothing would go wrong. But before she knew it, everything had spiralled out of control.

Ran had kissed her.

And instead of doing the right thing, Tomoe had kissed back.

She should have said no, she should have cut it off before it grew, but it was so tempting to live out that beautiful lie with the girl she loved and would never have. Tomoe thought she could indulge herself for a little while, be truly happy for as long as she could, and then break it off before the truth came out.

They were high schoolers, after all, relationships never lasted long at this age. Everything would be fine.

Until it wasn’t.

Ran had tried to surprise her before a big performance, walking in on her in the changing room. Tomoe hadn’t been wearing a shirt when she came in, and the moment the shock and confusion wore off…

They had fought, just as Himari had said they would.

Ran was furious, understandably so, she had been deceived for so long. She was furious, so her words were like ice, horrible and cutting and…

Too much for Tomoe to handle.

A liar, a monster, a freak. Unnatural, manipulative, a fraud. Tomoe took it all calmly, let the words wash over her head and fill her lungs and drown her from the inside out. She was disgusting, she was wrong, Ran never wanted to see her again. How could she whisper such sweet words in her ear, pretend to be such a gallant gentleman, when she was fooling her the whole time?

Tomoe had no answers. She hadn’t even had many apologies, since Ran hadn’t quite let her get a word in.

“A freak like you is better off dead.”

These were probably the words Ran regretted the most, the words she was pounding her skull against the asphalt to apologize for. Did she hope to feel even a semblance of the pain those words had caused Tomoe by doing this?

“I thought I loved you.”

“Ran…!”

“Just disappear!”

Ran had burst out of the room in tears, and Tomoe had stayed there in the shadows, frozen. Even when the backstage staff came to call her, she had remained unmoving, shedding silent tears from unblinking eyes until the world faded to black.

The next thing she remembered, she was right here, right where Ran was kneeling. The rain slicked her hair to her skull, plastered her shirt to her ribs, blurring the lines between Tomoe the handsome boy and Tomoe the strange girl. She was panting, her chest straining against her binder, protesting at how far and how quickly she’d run.

Pausing for breath, Tomoe had looked up at the mall that day, silently counting every single floor until she got to the roof. A lovely restaurant, one of those busy beer gardens that boasted a breathtaking view for miles, and a good nine stories from the ground.

Tomoe had no idea if people had been staring at her as she shuffled into the mall, dripping water all over the marble floors. Mechanically, she had gotten into the nearest elevator, stumbling out at the beer garden and ignoring the friendly welcome of the sales staff.

Left foot, right foot, left foot, right foot. Tomoe had been running on autopilot, Ran’s parting words echoing hollowly in her skull.

 _Just disappear!_ Like a ball, it bounced around in her head, getting louder and louder. _Just disappear! Just disappear!_

Left foot, right foot.

“Sir, what are you doing? That’s dangerous!”

_Just disappear!_

Left foot, right foot.

_Just disappear!_

“Sir?!”

_Just disappear!_

Left foot, right foot.

Stop, look down.

The road beneath her was busy as usual, and no one seemed to notice her, a lonely figure standing on the edge of the roof, up on the safety barrier, one step away from the end. Right below was the crossing that they had walked, what seemed like a lifetime ago, when Ran didn’t know the truth and they were just another ordinary couple spending some time together at the mall.

Tomoe closed her eyes. Took a deep breath, readying herself for what she was about to do.

Her phone suddenly started ringing, and she paused to stare at it in confusion, as if she had no idea what it was. _Himari_ , the caller ID said, and as the staff behind her pleaded with her to get down in panicked voices, she answered the call.

“Tomoe, where are you? What’s going on? Why did Moca-”

“Himari.”

That made her stop mid-rant, her voice tinged with concern as she asked again, “Where are you?”

“Tell Ran…” what should she say? What words could fix the amount of pain she had caused her? Too many things were swimming around in her head, and in the end, she settled on a single word.

_“Gomen.”_

I’m sorry.

Closing her eyes, she let the phone clatter to the restaurant floor, Himari’s terrified voice slowly fading away.

“Tomoe? Tomoe, what are you doing?!”

She leaned forward, enveloped by the whispers of the rain, acutely aware of the second her feet left the edge and there was nothing beneath her but air.

_Just disappear!_

Towards the end, she had smiled, her tears mixing with the rain as she fell. _Anything for you._

For some strange reason, though, Tomoe found herself waking up in the hospital next to her body, watching helplessly as her sister clung to her and wept, as Himari shook her and screamed, and as her parents struggled to hold back tears. She had expected blissful darkness, peace, but she was forced to stare the consequences of her actions in the face instead.

And nothing could have prepared her for that.

Nothing could have prepared her for her sad little funeral under the sobbing sky, for Ako clinging to her coffin and screaming, for Saaya heaping piles of warm bread, all her favorites, next to her gravestone, and definitely not for Himari punching Ran in the face when she showed up.

“What did you say to her?!”

Ran hadn’t said a word. All she did was dissolve into tears, and Himari had shoved her to the ground with more anger and hatred than Tomoe ever thought she was capable of.

“You killed her.”

“Himari…!” Tomoe had reached out for her, but her fingers had merely phased through her friend’s skin. There was nothing she could do anymore, she had chosen to leave her old world behind and all she could do was watch.

“Never forget that,” Himari had hissed, “If it weren’t for you, Tomoe would still be alive.”

“Hi-chan…” Moca had looked horrified, rushing over to pick Ran up, “How could you say that?”

Ignoring her, Himari had grabbed Ran by the collar, looked her dead in the eye and said, “She told me… to say one last thing to you.”

Ran had flinched at that, probably expecting something hurtful, something that would cut her as deeply as she had cut Tomoe that day. Tomoe had seen the tension cross her face, as if she had been preparing herself to be physically struck in the gut. It hurt her to realize that Ran thought so lowly of her, to have expected a low blow from someone who was already dead.

Unfortunately, nothing could have ever prepared Ran for the single, heartbreaking word she had received instead.

_“Gomen.”_

And now, here she was, on her knees, repeating those words to the asphalt that had been the ending point of Tomoe’s life.

She wished she could say more, she wished she could let Tomoe know that when she had spat those hurtful things to her that day, she had torn herself into pieces as well. If only she could destroy it all, Ran thought, smash aside this reality she refused to accept and return to the days where Tomoe was still alive. If only she could have a second chance, she would react better, she wouldn’t have said the horrible things that she did.

If only she could destroy it all, Tomoe thought, tear apart this reality that she could not endure, and return to the days before she had told her lie. If only she had met Ran as her true self, instead of the boy she had pretended to be…

But it was all too late.

They were both torn to pieces by the consequences of her lie, bound by the rain and asphalt, alone yet together.

“I’m sorry.”

There was nothing left but that one stupid word.

_“Gomen.”_


End file.
